A personal reflection on experiences in learning how to be more successful with women.
This Friday night, E and I went to the RSD Inner Circle meeting in SF. First, we started at Lush Lounge. After meeting a bunch of other dudes and waiting for a guest talk which never happened, I did my first approach.
After Lush Lounge, we went to our second venue, a larger bar with a dance floor.
Finally, E and I made our way further up Polk St and ended up at Harper & Rye, where we quickly ascended to a balcony from which we could see most of the first floor.
E and I called it a night, and headed over to his place. It was approaching 2am (when all bars close), so we waited outside of one of the venues by his apartment.
Finally, E and I went to his place and watched ToddV's videos on establishing premise.
After falling behind on writing these field reports, I'm going to experiment with an abbreviated writing style which should get to the point.
Tonight E and I went to California Academy of Sciences nightlife to mix it up for some nightgame at a non-bar venue.
At this point E and I decided to leave from Cal Academy, and head on over to the Richmond district for some bars. As it was Thursday night, we went around different bars before settling on one.
It was a good night. E and I got a lot of approaches in at Cal Academy, and the theme for this week's watching ToddV's "The System" was Openers. So on that front, we did great. 👍
Today was another day where learning game helped me out in a non-game situation. I was shopping with my mom in Whole Foods and waiting by the cashier when I noticed a woman carefully inspecting two orchids. After a little hesitation, I walked over with an observational opener. "You're so diligently comparing those flowers..." We chatted for a little bit, and I injected some premise with "You're actually pretty interesting. Not a lot of people would actually count the number of flower buds." Soon though, my mom found me and I got distracted, walking off with her. I thought I lost the set, but then found her again a little later. "Oh, you're still here," I started, noticing one orchid in her shopping basket with some other items. She responded in Russian! Apparently she overheard me speaking to my mom in our native tongue earlier. She said she's from Belarus and we chatted some more as I started my stacking procedure to guess what she does and such. Our conversation had good vibes, but I guess I didn't establish a strong enough premise because when our topics died down it felt natural to part ways. That's when I went for it and number-closed her. On E's suggestion, I texted her immediately before she left, to make sure the text went through. Sure enough, I botched the number and the first text went into the nether. Good catch! Second time was the charm. She told me she lives not far from me, and the last thing she said was "We're neighbors; don't be a stranger." 😉
We had a four-way nightgame session today, with E, M, N, and myself. N was new in joining our group. We were on our way to Blue Light in the Marina, when I decided to start off with a hit-and-run. A girl with a wide brim hat was sitting on the bench looking at her phone, so I came up and opened with a comment on how her hat looks interesting. I didn't get a response, so I said "Excuse me" louder, followed by "Can you hear me?" to get her attention. She slowly raised her head so I could actually see her face. "You must be from Paris if you're wearing a hat like that." She looked back down to her phone, where I saw she had the Uber app open and the driver was getting close. As I continued saying something else about her fashion being out of this country, she quipped, "not interested." I responded, "interested in what?" She got up so clumsily and barely got her purse strap out from in between the bench rails, so I realized she was drunk. "Perhaps you're interested in walking in a straight line," I continued. She wobbled on her feet before uttering what sounded like "fuck off," and that was the end of that set. Despite her negativity, I actually felt pretty good. I'll take a strong emotional response over a neutral one. Girl number one was successfully polarized. ✔️
Then, we went inside a bar on the same corner—Mauna Loa Club—where E immediately encouraged me to open two girls standing by the water dispenser. I used an observational opener, perhaps an observational tease, when I commented on how they were hanging out by the water in a bar to avoid alcohol. I didn't know how to transition it after that though, and it became awkward. They excused themselves out of the area. Set number two over and out.
In the same bar, E pointed out another two-set, a white girl with an Asian girl. "Hi, you seem friendly," I started, before going into stacking about how one of them looks local and is giving a tour to the other. I called E over, and we started improvising with them. Soon, they said that they were looking for a phone charger, so my response was "I dont't have a phone charger but you look pretty charged in your personality," looking at the white girl. They wanted us to buy them drinks, and there was a pause. I changed the topic to dancing, and spun the white girl in place, but she lost her balance halfway through the turn, so I caught her and put her weight back on her feet. Later into the conversation, the Asian girl brought up alcohol again: "She looks like she can use a drink." But this time, I knew how to respond. "That would be very irresponsible of me, since she can't even do a spin without falling over." This was good direction, since it led to the white girl trying to qualify herself and prove that she can in fact spin. After that, they moved closer to the entrance, and the set was done.
Meanwhile, a large group of blonde girls behind us peeled off from two of their friends, who were left sitting down. I walked over and used the same "You seem friendly" opener. One of them immediately reacted with more positive energy, to which I asked if she did improv. We continued the conversation, where I also talked to her friend, who was from Australia and enjoyed acting. We vibed pretty well on these subjects, and I called E and M over. I tried to get the first girl I opened—let's call her R—to dance. She hesitated, and wanted to first see me show her what I can do. Later in the interaction, I switched to talking to her friend, and turned out her friend was working at the same company as me! I decided to spike the conversation by saying that now I'm definitely going to be in trouble for talking to a coworker in a bar, and when she said it's not like that I flipped the tables by disqualifying the possibility of anything between us. Then, R was alone with E, M and myself, and we joked about her getting all the attention from us three guys. I called over N, who up until now has been standing on the sidelines, to join in the group for a total of four guys. We started discussing salsa for a bit, and R stood up saying her favorite move is the Cuban step, at which point I danced with her for a bit. Later on, the entire set was preoccupied talking with a guy they invited to the bar, and the four of us were thinking to leave the bar. E encouraged me to number-close R, which I did, under the premise of going to dance salsa sometime.
We headed in the direction of Blue Light, and along the way I spotted two girls debating whether to stand in line to a bar, so I decided to go ahead and open them. My opener was observational, as I said your friend is trying to convince you not to go in. Their reaction was at first confused but then negative, so I loudly announced that they're trouble and waved them off.
Blue Light was packed, so we went across the street to Bar None. There, after making our way to the back, I spotted a two-set talking to a guy who seemed weird and was just excusing himself out. I noticed one girl's pants looked like tight rubber, so I approached her once he was gone. "I noticed you're dressed like Wonder Woman," I started saying, seeing her positive reaction, "but where's your Wonder Woman logo?" She was visibly happy to receive the compliment, and said she always wears her superhero costume when going out. But before we could continue the conversation, her friend took her arm and dragged her through the crowd away from me. So much for jealous, cock-blocking friends!
Not long after the first encounter in Bar None, we saw a four-set of three blondes and one half-blonde. I came up to open them with "Hi, you look friendly," but their reaction was blasé. E was right behind me, and he delivered the observation about the half-blonde becoming more blonde by hanging out with her friends. They seemed to like that, but I ran out of things to say. The music was loud, and it was hard to speak, so I went around the corner to talk to the girl closest to me. She said she was married, and that her husband just left the bar. I amplified that information by asking what she did that was so bad to drive her husband out of the bar. She didn't like that, and I kept going by making a remark about this night's outing being their very late bachelorette party. She said she doesn't like what I'm saying, and I signaled E to exit the set.
We made our way to the front of the bar where I noticed a mixed set with two girls and one guy. I opened the guy with "What's your secret? How do you manage to get such a beautiful girlfriend?" pointing to the hot girl in the set. They smiled, and the guy said they're just friends. I didn't have any better response than "Well they always say they're just friends, but we all know what's up." They resumed their conversation, and I was left out. This is when I realized I should have approached from the other side so I could end up next to the target girl, and not across the set from her. Lesson learned!
M went home, so it was just three of us left. We went outside and across the street to Blue Light. In the midst of the huge line to enter, we noticed a girl standing across the street next to the cars, and I went to approach her. She was on her phone, so I typed up some text on my phone to show to her. But when I approached, she was finished with her call, so I used an observational opener saying that I noticed she's standing in the street where the cars are going. She seemed confused and defensive, and the interaction didn't last long before I went back to rejoin E and N. In retrospect, I realized I didn't establish premise when talking to her, and it seemed kind of random.
Finally, we decided to call it a night and walked to N's car when for the first time ever, we were stopped on the street by a girl. Initially I thought she might want something from us, but as the conversation went on we just kept improvising and keeping the energy going. I built her up, teased her, and didn't have any particular agenda. Soon, her fat friend came over and thought she was getting in trouble, but I warmed her friend up to us and engaged with her. Later still, some dude walked over and introduced himself. I wasn't sure what relation he had with the two women, but he didn't have much to say and we handled his presence pretty well by keeping the energy high. This experience of being the one getting stopped on the street was eye-opening, since it yielded a glimpse into what's going through the mind of the person being stopped (in this case us).
In reflecting on this night, E and I determined we need a better way to handle situations like girls asking us to buy them drinks. A good way to proceed, we think, is to construct a series of hoops for them to jump through in order to get what they want. For example, during the night I made the two girls do a salsa spin to prove they weren't totally hammered, which could be one hoop. Another hoop down the line could be to make out with them, and if they decline say I only buy drinks for girls who kiss me. We have yet to try that one out. 😉
On this new day I was excited to apply what I learned from Tom Torero's video. I walked from work to Westfield Mall, intending to meet up with E. As usual, I hesitated on when to start approaching, and whom. Remembering Tom Torero's saying, "first one, worst one," I wanted to get warmed up with a hit-and-run. I used a new stopping technique—dubbed the "karate side stop" in Torero's video—where I touch the girl's arm and point backwards to halt her momentum. I stopped the first girl focusing on eye contact. "Excuse me, I just wanted to say you look really nice," and after a pause added "That's all I have for you," intending to exit. To my surprise, she responded with a question: "Who do you think loved you first in your life?" I went with it, and said "My mom, probably." We exchanged some back and forth, but because this was my hit-and-run, I had no plan to further the interaction. I didn't stack and do my usual thing, so the energy died down and the vibe became awkward. We parted ways.
While waiting for E to make his way over, I approached another girl walking into the Bart entrance. I didn't think too well in terms of placement, as I my frontal stop left the girl and I directly in the tunnel walkway. Nevertheless, there she stood as I complimented her, slowly and deliberately. I improvised my first stack, saying that her green eyes match her jacket and that only a person from Europe would have a fashion sense this good. She smiled slightly, and said she's from San Diego. I used this opportunity to vibe on the subject and tease her by asking her where her surfboard is, and ended up in a very discussion based around surfing. We talked for a solid 4 minutes; one of my longest sets. However, I found no hook point where she invested in asking questions about me, so the conversation died down and we wished each other a good day.
E was still on his way, so I went to open another girl walking away from the mall wearing headphones. I stopped her and she took off the headphones to talk to me. My stack with her was noticing that she has a very large umbrella and a very small bag, and that she's preparing for torrential rain (which we don't get here). She justified this by saying she's on her way to work, and will get out much later when it's raining. I also commented on her "Mickey Mouse" headphones and said she must be an aspiring DJ. We talked for a bit more before she asked me if I'm local and for my name, which was the hook point. We had some back and forth, before she said she needs to get going. At that point, I number-closed her.
Meeting up with E, we did some more approaches, and he stopped one Asian girl for what what ended up being a very long conversation. In that time, I did a couple more stops, but those didn't last very long. E and his girl went on an instadate at the mall, and I kept going with my daygame.
I had two memorable approaches, one good and one bad. The good one was with a girl carrying a yoga mat I stopped just after she crossed Market St, where I stacked by commenting on her mat. I made fun of the mat being shaped like a bazooka, and we vibed very well on the yoga subject. Soon, she asked me where I'm from, detecting a slight accent, and after I revealing that I'm from Russia, she said she's half-Russian though doesn't speak the language. What do you know! After some more vibing, she told me that she has a boyfriend, but otherwise would be totally up for "my advances." 🙂 It was a good interaction. The second approach—the bad one—happened minutes after the first, where I tried stopping another girl on Powell St who seemed to be in a hurry, and her reaction was quite different. I used the Karate side stop and promptly received a "don't touch me" as she walked off. This was the harshest rejection I've experienced thus far. Though honestly in the grand scheme of everything, it wasn't even all that bad.
After dusk, E and I decided to mix it up and continue our game in the Mission neighborhood. He was done with his instadate and we hopped on BART to get there. Already on the way out of the Mission station, I spotted a girl I wanted to approach. I waited until we got up to street level, which ramped up anticipation. But before I could stop her, she actually went to a nearby ATM, which added more delays. Finally, she started walking toward the intersection, and I approached her. When I went in front of her, all I got to say is that I thought she looks really nice before she walked right past me. She was probably in a hurry to cross the street, now that I think about it. This particular set may have been a good one to practice walking with, throwing out an artificial time constraint, all that good stuff...
Moving from Mission St to Valencia St, I stopped a girl who passed E and I. After telling her she looks really nice, I started stacking by talking about her scarf. She was either versed in improv or open-minded in general, because she went right with it and added to the energy of the interaction. I continued stacking by guessing what she does for work, and so on. In retrospect, I believe the London Daygame Model says to only stack on one thing before moving into vibing specifically on that subject. Nevertheless, she did reach the hook point and asked me my name. I didn't get her to invest into me though, which is a shame. She said she's originally from Kazakhstan, so we connected on being from countries in proximity, and she told me her full name in Russian. However, she said she had to go to a cocktail hour, so we exchanged numbers.
Concluding our gaming session in the Mission, I did one more approach—a front stop where the girl walked past—before calling it a night. Overall, it was a good experience, and I mostly stuck to the Tom Torero structure: open, stack, vibe, invest, and close. I found that if the interaction did not go through all of the steps, it was fine. It was okay, without any hard feelings like I experienced before. Often the girl would smile, and be on her way. I made her day; no strings attached. With the new structure, I increased the time range of my sets: some sets would remain short, but others got drawn out to a very long time, around 5-7 minutes, which is a first for me. One thing I want to improve next time is making snappier decisions. Often, especially in a fast-paced downtown setting, if I think too long about whether or not to approach a girl, she would be gone and I would feel bad. So going forward, I'm giving myself 2-3 seconds to make that decision and sticking to it. That should minimize the feeling of regret when skipping an otherwise decent set. Another big sticking point is getting the girl to invest. I kept missing that step, or not fleshing it out as much as I should. This is the point where I lower my energy and ask her open-ended questions to get her to qualify herself. Next time for that!
After a three-day break, I returned to day gaming with E. We met up near the Ferry Building, and even before I saw him, I spotted a pretty lady walking around slowly and browsing the storefronts. I hesitated with approaching, and instead went to find E in the other part of the building. After we met up, I noticed the same lady had wandered closer to us, so I decided to go for it. Opening with an indirect opener, I first commented on her hat. Then, I transitioned into a more direct conversation by telling her I think she looks nice, and stacked by saying she seems the best-dressed in the entire Ferry Building with her pea coat. She responded positively, and said she's visiting from New York, which got me excited. "I'm from New York too!" We spent some more time talking about the city, and I threw out some clichés of NYC vs. SF, like pace of walking, fashion, and cars honking. I asked her when she's leaving, and she said tomorrow morning, adding that she was just killing time before heading to a work happy hour. Before we parted ways, I got her number under the premise that I visit New York often and would love to meet up when I'm in town.
Walking around some more, I spotted a girl who walked into Starbucks before I could approach her. I thought it was over, but E encouraged me to go in. Both of us went inside, stood behind her in line, and ordered some tea. After some hesitation, I approached her at the milk counter, opening by commenting on how interesting her necklace looked. It was truly the "first unusual thing" I noticed about her. I proceeded to stack by saying she's dressed professionally, and justified iy by assuming she must have gotten out of a job interview. She told me she's here on a health technology conference, so I made assumptions about which company she's with. She said JPMorgan Chase, mentioning that people there walk around wearing all black. "I said so there's Men in Black, and there's you," I joked. She was lukewarm, and went to go sit down after wishing me a good day. E was wondering why I didn't go sit with her, but I felt somewhere between not a poor vibe from her and lack of attraction from me.
On the way out of Starbucks, we saw an unusual sight—a tall, beautiful Asian girl with a short, stout, and not very good-looking Asian guy. I challenged Emir to do an opener he shared with me a couple days ago, which is to ask the guy what his secret is for getting such a pretty girlfriend. Turns out, this is an effective means of figuring out if the paid is actually seeing each other, or are just friends. So both E and I came up to them, and he asks the guy this question. They reacted positively, and to our surprise, they were actually together! We ended up making some more jokes before exiting out.
Then, E and I proceeded on Market St. away from the water. On our way I tried to stop a girl just after she crossed the intersection, but I didn't set it up correctly; if she had stopped, she would end up in the street. Needless to say, that one got botched.
Then, as we walked along the street we were joined by another daygamer, J2, whom I've met on the street once before. Not long after that, he spotted a girl rounding the corner near us, and told us she's off limits since she is his coworker. "Yeah, off limits to you..." I replied, and went for an approach. I did a "wheel of fortune" forward stop and this girl seemed floored, in a good way. I proceeded to compliment her, and told her she looks like she's prepared to go on an urban hike with that trail-themed backpack of hers. We vibed pretty well, and after I reminded myself to have good eye contact and a smirking smile, I noticed a positive nonverbal reaction from her. She said she's running off to Bart, and I number closed her, with the usual "let's get coffee sometime".
I felt like I was on fire, and could easily come up with amusing things to say. Still though, it was not the same when approaching and talking to a girl versus horsing around with the two wingmen. Hopefully, a higher volume of approaches will help to calm me down and lower those adrenaline levels.
E, J2, and I proceeded to Westfield Mall, also known as "Pickup Central". 😆 There, we met yet another daygamer, H. I did some approaches near the escalators and in the lower food court level, but received a smile and brief positive reaction at best. We went back outside and walked around for a bit before H opened a set and disappeared through the crowd, walking and talking with her. Not long after that, the rest of us decided to call it a day and went our separate ways.
On my walk home, I hesitated a lot but approached three times. The first time, I stopped a girl from Philadelphia who was on her way to a yoga class. I stacked using an observation about her backpack, and made it into a joke that it is a Mary Poppins bag with infinite space. She seemed impressed that I stopped her on the street just like that. Eventually, she was getting on her way so I number-closed her. The second time, the girl I tried to stop kept walking. And the third time, I stopped a girl walking near the Salesforce Tower who was waiting to cross the street. I didn't wait for her to get across before opening her, and decided to try out a new opener which I just came up with ten seconds before that. "Excuse me," I started, keeping my phone in front of me but focusing on good eye contact, "I'm looking for directions to... your heart. I wanted to tell you that you look nice." She had an instant positive reaction! I stacked by saying it looks like she's coming from yoga, and she replied saying she's a yoga instructor. I tried to vibe on the subject by saying that she makes her students stretch in ways they didn't know they could. But before long, she noticed the street light and said she has to go. I didn't push the interaction for a number close, and we parted ways. In retrospect, it could be interesting to use an artificial time constraint as an excuse to stay in the set, something like "I'm going the other way, but I'll walk with you for 2 seconds".
At home, I finally watched a video which E sent me a long time back, Beginning Daygame video by Tom Torero, and it blew my mind. Thus far I only learned the London Daygame Model in bits and pieces through E and J, and for lack of doing my own homework, I had been operating on a partial truth. In my sets, I have not been vibing enough, nor paying attention to the "hook point". With the complete information in the video, it suddenly made sense why I've been having such short interactions and why the numbers I actually closed have been flaky. I was determined to return to the street tomorrow and try again.
Tonight was my all time best night for night game. I went with E and met another friend, M, for an outing in the Marina district. Bar scenes are more of M's thing, so I was looking forward to learning from him this evening. Our first venue was Silver Cloud, a karaoke bar, and as we entered, I felt anxious about being in an environment where the dudes far outnumber the women. After walking to the end of the bar and back, we bounced and walked up to Union St.
Our second bar was Bar None, where again the same anxiety and uncertainty gripped me. I wanted to put myself out there and approach, but was too afraid and I knew it. M was leading the way to the end of the bar where we grouped up and chatted for a bit. He asked us if we see anyone we like and want to talk to. Sure, there were girls who looked attractive, but they were with guys. Finally, we spotted a three-set of girls standing by the Skee-Ball machines. Both E and I were too afraid to approach, so M did the ice breaker. He came up to them, said hi, and asked them how their night was going. He then waved us over. Out of anxiety, when I approached I hastily started a stacking routine, asking which one of the three girls would win a Skee-Ball competition, and saying that I had my money on one of them (the cutest one), in my attempt to build tension. But they were confused and recoiled, replying with an accent that they don't understand. That was my cue to ask if they're visitors, to which they said they were from France. I asked which part of France, and they said central. It was loud and I didn't push it beyond then. Not long after, M felt the vibe wasn't right and we all exited out, wishing them a good night.
On the way out of the bar, I spotted a one-set sitting alone, on her phone, and pointed her out to M and E. Again, I felt like I should open her and get over my fear, but I didn't. M opened her instead. I chatted with E while M talked to the girl, and her boyfriend appeared and joined the conversation. It was clear from the boyfriend's body language that he was trying to be dominant and cockblock, getting touchy with M in his attempts to be faux alpha. M engaged with the boyfriend for a bit, and I don't know what M did but the girl came over to talk to E and me. We vibed pretty well, talking about how she was from Walnut Creek, listens to comedy on her long commute, and her obsession with Kevin Hart. E and I mentioned that we did some improv together, and tried to demonstrate one of the warmup games. I didn't know if she was drunk or giving positive vibes, but I did notice her foot was pointing towards me (a positive sign in body language). She wanted me to type into her phone the comedians I suggested. I guess even though she had a boyfriend right there I could type in a compliment. Or maybe use Todd Valentine's technique of injecting a compliment like "oh you're actually cute" right in the middle of a sentence when talking to her and then moving on to another topic right away. Anyhow, we said goodbye, I gave her a hug and we left to the bar across the street.
The third bar was The Blue Light, where we made our way past the dancing crowd to the back. After some more heart-wrenching uncertainty about approaching a group of three girls, M forged ahead and complimented the most beautiful girl there right away, to which she responded positively. He then called us over soon, after which I introduced myself and made a clumsy joke about the two girls being a chaperone for the beautiful one. It flopped. They went to the bar table to order drinks, and it was unclear if they'd come back. M caught them on the way out, and the girl he complimented told him she had a boyfriend. After that, we stood around, chatted, and half-danced awkwardly, while M briefly interacted with another group while they were dancing. It seems M was having success putting out the right vibes to get people to include him in their groups, but E and I were not. M was grilling me with a question—"What do you want? You need to be clear with yourself about what you want so you're not displaying that uncertainty with the woman." Good question, M...
Still at the Blue Light, four more girls passed by and sat down in a booth. One of them was drop-dead gorgeous. The two standing up went to the dance area, so there was just the gorgeous one and her friend. M gave me a challenge—slide into that booth and say hello. Ask them how their night is going. At that point, my brain auto-accepted the challenge and I dove right in. I used my animation and high energy to open them. They seemed receptive; we made introductions, and I was talking to the gorgeous girl. She was visiting from San Diego to see a championship game of football for the team where she went to college. M approached the table, which gave me the cue to introduce him. After doing so, I asked the friend girl to dance. She said she wasn't drunk enough, yet. I asked the gorgeous girl a bunch of questions, and made her laugh here and there, but we never really had a smooth, engaged conversation. I got up and vibed with the group dancing in front of us, complimenting one dude on his moves and wishing happy birthday to the birthday boy in their circle. Then, coming back to the booth, I asked the gorgeous girl if she wanted to dance, trying to convince her to be less self-conscious and that it'll be fun. Still no budge. Then I get up to dance solo some more, when M says the two girls are planning to leave. I return to the booth, and beat around the bush, asking the gorgeous girl what she's doing between today and the game on Monday. She has no plans, so I suggested things for her to do in SF. Finally, I work up the nerve to ask her to hangout tomorrow, and number-close her. On the spot, I take a quick selfie with her and send it to her number. I get up for some more dancing, debrief with M, and the two girls leave. M says it's probably a no-go, but I'm just glad I went for it.
Afterwards, we walk to The Tipsy Pig, and in the bar a woman overheard us looking for places still open which serve food. I made some remark about being both hungry and in search of food, and she tells us that it's her birthday. Immediately I say that she deserves a birthday dance, start dancign with her, and explain that E and M can steal her mid-dance (such is the birthday dance). It's a great time, as both M and E are engaged and dancing. I finish off the dance by dipping her and wishing a happy birthday. She is ecstatic, saying we made her night, and calling me Casanova. (That's a first!) On the way out, a light bulb lights up in my head... "There is another group of four girls sitting in this bar and they heard us having fun and making the other woman happy, so perhaps we can ride this wave of positivity and have a good interaction with them." After chatting with E and M for five minutes about how I'll approach the four-set, I finally did it. I said hello, and complimented the girl in the group I found attractive. Right away, I got a positive response, and the girl on my left said I have an accent. That was a natural segue into jokes about Russia, vodka, and the like. We vibed pretty well and talked about everything from the Marina neighborhood to energy crystals, to I don't even know what. But when the conversation energy crest seemed to be on the decline, I decided to go for it. I straight up told the one girl in the group that it would be cool to hangout again sometime, to which she said she's in a relationship. I worked off of the energy when I said semi-jokingly, "is he treating you right?" and her friends laughed and said they like the guy. "It's great your friends can give you unbiased opinions. After all, love is blind." They reacted positively, and I wished them a good night. I was in front, and E and M followed me, and they apparently heard the girls discussing how funny I was and generally being pleased.
What a night. Going from being petrified of approach anxiety to opening a four-set of girls and keeping them entertained for a solid 7 minutes. I felt I had good vocal projection and pace of speaking, as I could be heard by people without having to strain my voice. I'm so glad that I was challenged to conquer my fear and actually did it. That's a great feeling.
This Friday E and I took off early to game in the Marina. The vibe of the neighborhood was very different than the busy streets of downtown where people always seemed to be running late. Being out of his usual environment, E felt more approach anxiety and spotlight effect. Nevertheless, he made the first approach, though the interaction was brief and the woman didn't stop for too long. I went next, and had a similar result. I guess we were just building up momentum, as our second round of approaches resulted in longer conversations.
I had some trouble applying stacking techniques, as I ended up converging on the same assumption: "you're definitely on a mission to make it to the runway and show off that [piece of clothing]". I felt uncertain, and that probably showed through. Nevertheless, we persisted. E was able to hold longer conversations than I, so it's definitely something to learn from.
After some more walking, we spotted two Asian girls, and I stopped them asking for a picture of E and me. That led to a natural conversation, and they said they're visiting from Korea. E showed off some Korean he has learned, impressing the girls and making them laugh. One of them was taller and more attractive, and the other was stout and wore circular glasses. E and I went in the zone as we went full improv mode, bouncing off of each other's comments. I said the stout girl looked like Harry Potter in her glasses, to which E continued by saying the tall one must therefore be Hermione. They were laughing through the interaction. E and I also built each other up, him saying that I'm a good dancer and me saying that he makes life interesting (fun fact, we compared it to a Korean drama). E went for it hard when he painted the (Korean drama) picture that he's married to the tall girl and I'm married to the stout one and then she cheats on him and I cheat on the other one. They were laughing a lot. At one point I was talking directly to the tall girl while E chatted up the other, and I started asking questions about the girl's camera, a mirrorless Canon. She didn't seem receptive to that line of discussion, so we went back to the group chat. Soon enough, I proposed that we all go to City Scape lounge in downtown, though E later confessed he was thinking of something with less up-front investment, like going to a local food place. They were on the edge of going, but ended up not, since the stout girl wasn't as receptive and wanted to sleep.
This was one of the best, low-pressure interactions of my whole time doing game. I felt drastically more relaxed and easygoing than with my 1:1 approaches. This is a puzzle I'd really like to crack. Why is it that when I approach a woman on the street, I tense up and have a hard time bringing out my entertaining side, whereas I had no problem with E and the two Koreans? I know for sure I wasn't expecting anything from the group interaction; perhaps that was it. My other approaches are rife with self-pressure and an intrinsic neediness which can be felt by the woman. I can think of several things which may help me out:
As nightfall fell, we walked around some more, ate dinner, and checked out bar venues. It was still very early, and the only bar we found which had enough people was Blue Light. There, E and I mulled over how to approach, and decided to get a couple of drinks in the meantime. Then, he spotted a two-set—an Asian and Indian girl—sitting at the bar and had the crazy idea for me to do a hugging opener, coming up to them and asking how their night is going. I told him I'm scared shitless, and then he had me do a useful exercise: trying it on him ,as if he's one of the girls. This helped my brain a little by working through the mechanics of the move. Then, not long after that, E grabbed my shoulders, pulled me away from the bar, pointed me to the two-set, and told me to go. He successfully short-circuited my doubtful brain, and in I went. I gave the girls a weak hug and asked how the night is going. They laughed and seemed receptive, so I went for a joke saying that one girl is chaperoning the other. The laughed again. I continued the improv by saying that the chaperone girl is setting a bad example by drinking, and proceeded to ask which part of SF they're from. The Asian girl said she's from the Mission, to which I teased the other saying she selfishly dragged her out all the way to the Marina. They got distracted signing the bar check, so I went back to E to debrief. He and I were happy that the interaction went well enough.
Later that night, I did a useful exercise with E. After coming from the bathroom, I "gamed the wall". I talked to E while he was giving me a blasé expression, similar to what attractive girls may do to test men early into the interaction, lasting up to 1–2 minutes. The objective here is to keep on talking, stacking, and trying to get the person to respond. That was the last thing we did before calling it a night.
For the first time out "formally night gaming", it wasn't bad. I conquered my fear on one occasion, and felt good about it. More nights out to come in the future...
Today was another instance where day game enabled me to do something I wouldn't in an otherwise ordinary context. I walked for the longest distance in the city yet—from the Bay Bridge up the Embarcadero, through Fisherman's Wharf, past Fort Mason, all the way to the Marina; a solid hour and change of fresh air. When I arrived in the Marina, I stopped by a small restaurant to grab a bite. At the order counter, I interacted a bit with a girl who seemed okay. When I paid with my credit card, my name popped up on her screen, and she immediately asked me, "Ты русский?" (are you Russian?) Huh! We proceeded to chat in Russian a bit, before another girl arrived at the counter with her friend and heard us talking. "You may be confused but we are Putin's agents," I say in my iconic heavy Russian accent. Everyone was amused.
This restaurant girl seemed cool, and she was checking on me here and there to see how I liked the food. We chatted some more, and she told me how she moved to the states and such. Of course, you can never get an accurate read on a woman if you're her customer at a place like this, but in the back of my mind I thought there might be something there. Either way, by the time I finished eating I was determined to number-close her, if nothing else than to try. So on my way out passing by the counter, while I didn't go for any compliment or the like, I did say that I moved to SF almost a year ago, without many friends in the city itself, and that it would be cool to hang out sometime. Perhaps that was too much justification and premise for the ask, in part probably due to my uncertainty of how I feel about this girl, so I went for the lowest common denominator vibe of just making a friend. She gave me her number. Yay for day game helping out in unexpected situations.
Walking around the Marina afterwards, that Thursday evening, I saw a whole plethora of beautiful women. I had the worst luck with public transportation to get back to my place, and was always in a rush to catch the next bus before finally missing all of them, most spectacularly due to a misplaced marker on Google Maps. Nevertheless, my observations about the demographics stuck. E and I will game the crap of that place tomorrow, and hopefully the number of one-sets will not decrease. Stay tuned...
Returning back to "normal" day gaming, I met up with E. at our usual downtown mall rendezvous. Except today, the gaming gods decided to test me. A lot. Many of the girls did not stop for me, and kept on walking. And I guess with my recent performance I had higher expectations than what I was getting. This triggered another weakness of mine: frustration and anger. And this anger doesn't exactly help put a smile on my face for the next approach. Now not only do I feel like I have to fight for attention, I also have to battle with my own vindictive emotional responses.
Some notable rejections I have received were "that's okay, thanks" and "no, thanks", or other forms of walking off or stopping and then walking off before I had the chance to compliment. Something was messed up about my vibe, probably.
We encountered another day gamer, S, chatted a bit, and kept on going. S proposed a game (as if we weren't gaming already) where two of us choose a girl who the third has to open without any objections. That lasted for maybe three or four sets before S split off. Hopefully he had some success and went on an instadate. Or maybe he got fed up with my frustrations.
The sun had set and the temperature was dropping in downtown. We were getting cold, but I was intent on staying. A quote from Arnold Schwarzenegger echoed in my head: "We all fail, and winners will fail and get up. Whoever stays down is a loser," he said in his 2018 motivational speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNDA-o9yJNw). So blood through nose, I wanted to keep going. I didn't want to quit and be a loser.
We went into a store to warm up a bit, and talked for a while. E pointed out a girl shopping alone, and told me to approach her. I went ahead, and opened her very indirectly, by first commenting on the scarves in the area she was standing. I was wearing a scarf as well, so it felt like a good conversation starter. I transitioned my indirect opener into a direct one by saying I think she looks nice, and began "screening for logistics" by asking where she's from. She said she is visiting from from St. Petersburg, Russia, and was here to have education in art history, before leaving again. I told her I'm also from Russia, and switched to speaking in Russian. I did not feel very attracted to her, nor did I have anything to add besides a weak, general statement about art history being cool. At this point, I tried a point of empathy by saying it's probably strange for her to have a guy start randomly speaking with her like this in the store. She said "it happens". To which I replied, "all right, have a good day" and ejected from the set with all the discomfort contained therein.
E and I went outside once more, and this time I stopped a few more women. The first one was Asian and I messed up my stop with her, failing to close the gap after she stopped and we were having a conversation. The second one had very bright white hair, which formed the basis of my opener, but our interaction was merely a back-and-forth clarifying that I meant "white" not "wild" as we awkwardly stood in a break between two escalators. The third girl I tried to do more stacking with, and she was carrying one shoe box in a Macy's bag. I teased her a bit for only buying one pair, to which she smiled and said she only needs one. I learned that she's visiting from Australia with her family before flying to New York (sounds familiar?) at which point I said I heard girls from there are wild, and asked her if she's one of them. She smiled again as she said no, and I soon wished her safe travels. Overall, it was a positive interaction.
After another approach where I ran out of what to say in stacking, E reminded me of something interesting he told me before, an improv structure in cold approach:
I found this immensely helpful, and applied it to the next set, a woman walking in a bright pink jacket. That pink jacket was the "unusual thing" which I started with in my opener by exaggerating how bright it was. She "apologized" for it, to which I playfully teased that it's all her fault. Interestingly, she asked me where I'm from, to which I said I live here. "What about you?" She said she's from Russia. Well, what do you know? After telling her I'm also from Russia, I added, "but I'm undercover working for Mr. Putin" in a heavy Russian accent. She laughed. I told her I'm getting ready to go to a different part of town but it would be cool to get tea at a coffeeshop up the block (my attempt to pull her on an instadate), and she was surprisingly receptive, saying that she's on her way to see her girlfriend and that her girlfriend might also appreciate meeting me. So on the spot we exchanged numbers, and texted from then on to find some time to hang out. Turns out she's also the first girl who I number-closed who also replied to my text. Voila!
What a day of utter extremes. From embittering rejections to a number close, it brought out a whole range of emotions. The lesson for me is one of positivity and persistence throughout the gaming session. In fact, writing this post on it helps me have a more constructive recollection of the tough moments. So in conclusion, Australian girls who stop in San Francisco always fly to New York next. I have two data points for it now from today and yesterday, which means I can draw a line... just kidding.
Today wasn't about doing day game, but rather about sleeping in and recovering from the festivities of the previous night. Still though, I wanted to go outside and enjoy what little daylight I could at this time of year. I went on a casual stroll along the Embarcadero to get some air, but in the back of my mind I kept my day game goal: the ability to approach an attractive woman at any time.
Sure enough, not long into my walk up to Fisherman's Wharf, I passed by a blonde girl walking slower than the crowd, wearing unusually short yellow shorts and carrying a bag from the Exploratorium. Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced at her face. She was very attractive, so much so I'd really not forgive myself if I chickened out. So, I casually stopped her with my usual J-inspired opener, "Can I just say one thing?" and complimented her. I tried to make her laugh by saying she was on a mission to distract the men walking along Embarcadero. Turns out she was visiting from Australia, and was only in town for a couple of days before going to New York to see some family of hers. I asked her out for coffee, but she said her schedule was busy the next day. We talked for a little longer about the sights to see in San Francisco before ejecting out of the interaction.
I was kicking myself pretty hard over this one. I noticed that her body language was mirroring mine, as she stood with one leg out exactly as I was. Yet, I did not ask her for an instadate in the form of walking with her along the shore and maybe showing her some more sights as a local to San Francisco. Also, being from New York myself, I could have totally said that as a reason for us to exchange contact info. Sighs... I'm getting there. We talked for probably a solid minute and a half, which isn't long, but is one of the longest conversations I've held in day game.
In the end, I'm happy I found the courage to speak to her. My approach anxiety today was a small fraction of what it used to be when I first started cold approach. Today is also a great example of reaching my goal, as I was able to apply day game to everyday life. In that sense, mission accomplished.
New Year's Eve Eve edition! In light of E's audio recordings telling me that I speak way too fast, this session was dedicated to communicating slowly and clearly.
Even before I arrived to my usual starting point at the downtown mall, I spotted a girl crossing the street as I was walking along the way. After some hesitation, I worked up the nerve to approach her with a running-up behind and forward stop. I complimented her on her looks, but quickly my mind went blank and I did not come up with anything else interesting to say. She smiled and walked off.
Soon after, I unexpectedly ran into my friend at Union Square who was working there. We caught up for a bit and I wanted to show him what I learned in the day game department. Soon enough, a girl passed by and I ran after her, complimenting her on her hat after the stop. Though I spoke clearly, my weakness was again my inability to sustain a conversation, for I only told her that she'll stay warm in the city after dark whereas everyone else will get caught by surprise. My friend, observing this from the side, noted that she was smiling through the interaction.
Parting ways with my friend, I was coordinating with J to have him join me. In the meantime, I kept on practicing. With the next woman I opened, I used stacking to compliment her on her platinum, straight hair. She said it doesn't normally look that way, and she had to put it some effort for it. Again, I had nothing to say.
Returning to the mall area, I spotted a girl in sporty clothes, walking with groceries in hand. Upon stopping her, I was pleasantly surprised to see that she looked beautiful up close. My interaction with her was more positive, which I started by saying it looks like she finished running and is getting her protein. Then, I asked how she's able to run through the thick of the crowd, and we talked a bit about her running through back roads and alleys. Finally, and again probably for lack of other things to say, I asked her out for coffee, to which she replied that she does not give out her phone number. In retrospect, it would have been fun to push for an instadate, under the premise that I would not need her phone number in that case. 😉
Eventually, J joined forces with me, and we walked up and down two blocks without seeing anybody we wanted to approach. Then, after returning to the mall, he stopped two women and I stopped four. Quantity over quality, I guess! He number-closed the first and went on an instadate with the second. My first open didn't quite stop, my second open was a married woman, and my third was a girl who had a boyfriend.
My last open was interesting. It was a girl from Korea who was leaving the next day, and when I asked her what she was doing she said she was "looking for something". Agreeing and amplifying, I asked her where her large magnifying glass is, and gestured exuberantly to act it out. Though I wasn't able to get her out for an instadate, but I did get her to laugh several times. It was a fun interaction. 😄
In the end, I had no number closes, and J had one number close and one instadate. But unlike the day before, I did not feel bad for myself. I accomplished what I set out to do, which is to convey confidence with a comfortable pace of speaking. Almost every single girl I approached actually stopped for me, rather than walking off; a very noticeable difference from before. The common mistake for me today was an inability to hold a conversation. Which, hey, is great to see. Because when tuning a broken system, you fix the first point of failure, run it again, and repeat. It feels amazing to recognize this process in making a more calibrated version of myself.
For what would be my third day in a row practicing day game, I met up with J. We didn't do any warm-ups, and dove right in. My first open was a girl walking through a thick crowd by the downtown mall, and we ended up way too close to each other after I went in front of her. I only got a brief compliment in before she walked off, never coming to a complete stop.
My following opens were met with the same lukewarm responses, as some girls slowed down or stopped, and others kept on walking. The women who didn't walk away immediately told me they have boyfriends when I complimented them and asked them out for coffee. I didn't push any further, out of my own fear and discomfort, in asking how it's going with the boyfriend to separate the true lovebirds from the ones open to a new experience. Neither did I have the guts to say that I'm not trying to be their boyfriend, as J suggested during one of our chats between sets.
One interesting thing was that during our session, two other guys approached J and I in between sets and asked us if we're doing day game. More day gamers! Soon into our introduction, they lamented how this is not the best time for game, since a lot of girls are in relationships because of the holiday season. January, they say, is a time for many breakups, before a quick scramble for Valentine's Day... I've certainly experienced the boyfriend part of their observation firsthand today.
At the end of our session which lasted almost two hours, J and I parted ways and I opened one more woman who was walking faster than me, stacking by saying she's walking really quickly, playfully asking if she has just robbed somebody. She laughed, and said she's running late to a dinner, which is when I asked her out to a coffee sometime later. Oddly enough, she complimented me on my courage, and encouraged me to do it more often.
In the end, I struggled not to be sullen about the whole experience. Both J and I received our share of rejections, but he had two number closes, and I had zero. Negative thoughts comparing our results descended upon me like swarms of mosquitoes, that I then tried to swat. In his book "Models", Mark Manson talks about a "pain period" when implementing new habits, and I tried reminding myself that this is what's happening. In fact, that's the reason I'm writing this post right now. I want to re-wire my brain to see the positive in the process, to realize it's better that I actually went out and day-gamed, rather than passing on the opportunity. As the popular phrase goes, rejection is better than regret.
After the session, I met up with E to debrief on my experiences, and I listened to some audio recordings from my previous session on Tuesday and Thursday. My goodness! I spoke so quickly and incomprehensibly, it's a wonder why girls even stopped for me at all. My speech is rushed, my words truncated, and my intonation supplicating. Why is this happening? I have been doing Toastmasters for more than two years now, and in the public speaking setting I have been able to pause, talk slowly, and clearly, even from my first prepared speech. Yes, public speaking—which the average person fears more than death itself—is something I actually perform better at than speaking to girls on the street. This really begs the question: why do I have little problem in Toastmasters but break down so spectacularly in day game? It probably has to do with confidence, which I possess on stage and lack on the street. Thankfully, as frustrated as I am by this, I am more motivated to bridge that gap. I want to keep hitting the wall until I learn to see the way around it. I'm not giving up.
Today after meeting a friend for lunch, I decided to challenge myself to approach five women. But this time, I wanted to do it solo, with no wingman by my side. Gaming solo is something I feel will help me remove any dependence on a wingman and achieve one of my goals with inner game. This goal is to not need any special game mode to be able to approach women. Rather, I want to have the confidence and technique to talk to girls at any place and time: on lunch break at work, out dancing, or walking. In any of these settings, I the goal is to have no mental block, no second guessing, and no fear of rejection. So instead of a game self, there would only be my everyday self. There may be a wingman at my side, but more often it would be just me. Hence the motivation to game solo.
I did end up opening five women, as planned. I walked around a lot, for perhaps twenty minutes or so, before doing the first approach. Even after reasoning with myself to lower the bar to a simple hit-and-run (compliment and exit), thoughts of the spotlight effect got to my head... Will those those people think I'm weird if I stop someone on the street like that? Maybe I should wait until this person passes by first... It was interesting that the old fear of what others will think came back to me when I didn't have a wingman.
The first woman I stopped wore a suit jacket and was walking pretty quickly away from the crowded street, and I stopped her with a tap on the shoulder. "Excuse me, can I just say one thing?" I used J's line from yesterday. "You look amazing." She did stop and said thanks, after which we parted ways. It was pretty awkward, but I felt relieved having broken the ice. My second approach was a head-on stop in the park, where I complimented a woman walking toward me. Saying that I thought she looked interesting in her circular colored sunglasses, I wished her a happy Friday and walked off. Another hit-and-run. The third woman I approached was sitting in the park, and I passed her by once before mustering the courage to go talk to her. She held a small shopping bag and was having some lunch. "Excuse me, I know this seems strange, but I think you look really nice." I made some weak assumptions about her shopping and enjoying her Friday, but then exited out of the set.
With the fourth woman, I decided it was time to integrate some more stacking and have a longer interaction. I stopped her just before she walked into a store, and immediately told her how her slow pace of walking through a group of runners was amazing. She seemed confused, but receptive... (There were no people running by; it was just my quirky on-the-spot improvisation to paint the scene.) I ended with saying that I thought she looked nice and that I wanted her know that. To my pleasant surprise, she told me this made her day, which was not going so well up until then. I didn't push the interaction any further, and said goodbye. This is a great experience to remember, because it shows how approaching and complimenting a girl can make her happier, rather than weirded out. Or maybe a little bit of both... 😉
On the fifth approach, I decided to go for a number close. I spotted a girl waiting to cross the street who looked like she was subtly moving her head, as if dancing. After she crossed, I did my first running-up frontal stop of the day, and complimented her on her dancing at the intersection as well as her cool-looking aviator shades. She smiled, and said she was listening to some tunes. I used more stacking, as I noted that she's wearing a sport jacket and must have just returned from a job interview, to which she replied that she works in a makeup store and just got off work. At this point I asked if she would be down to get some coffee another time, and she gave me her number. I just got my first number close going solo! Though in retrospect, it probably would've made more sense to ask her on an instadate and find a coffeeshop right then and there, but alas I did not. (That would have been an interesting learning experience, too, for my first instadate.) As E told me later, texting is another whole mountain to climb, so in effect I complicated matters by not going for that instadate. But hey, here's to self-improvement through continuous practice...
I'm glad I took that hour to do solo game today. With no wingman to come back to between sets, I was left to take responsibility for my own state after rejections. And I noticed something very special about the "point of no return" which, in day game, is when I start to jog to catch up with a girl. If I am just walking casually, even if slightly faster than she, I am more likely to disengage at any point, pretending I didn't just spend the last block chasing this person. But when I start jogging, that's it: I'm committed to doing the approach. So I learned that perhaps the hardest thing may not even be the approach itself, but rather committing to it.
Two days after our last session, E and I hit the streets of the city once more. He introduced me to his day gaming friend, J (yes, the single-letter name obfuscation is strong here). He had been out of the game for six months now and had developed a substantial approach anxiety. I suggested the exercises E had me do the last session, but J. wanted to dive right in and open some sets.
Throughout the day, we exclusively opened one-sets. The first two girls I talked to I ended up too close to, making it uncomfortable to hold a conversation, and they walked off. I quickly realized that my stacking and verbal engagement was off, as I had a problem keeping the girl interested. Unfortunately, this became a recurring problem for the rest of the session.
Close to the middle of our outing, J and E had both had a few solid sets, lasting between 1 and 3 minutes, whereas my average was more like 10 seconds. A lot of girls simply wouldn't stop when I approached them, or would walk off pretty quickly into the start of the interaction. I was doing something wrong, but didn't know what. J suggested for me to slow down my pace of speaking. He was spot-on, as my nervousness came out in the form of quick, mumbled speech. The sets I opened where I focused on speaking slowly and clearly I noticed the girl did stop more frequently, but then I stumbled on the conversational aspect and the synergy died down.
After we grabbed a bite to eat and got warm drinks at the local non-Starbucks coffee shop, we hit up the downtown mall for some more opens. My last set was a girl who ended up being a senior in high school. And thinking back, the only other positive interaction I got was with another girl who said she was underage... I just don't get it. 😕 E pointed out that instead of bluntly ejecting out of the set, I could have stayed in and asked the girl's age, just to vibe a little longer and get more practice making her laugh with improv.
If anything, today was my personal wake-up call. I haven't been studying for this quiz, and well... I got the grade I deserved. But hey, it feels much better to have shown up and gone through it rather than chickening out, and that's something I always remind myself of. E encouraged me to learn about pickup techniques through many videos and books, and my passing on these educational materials is somewhat reflected in today's performance. Tom Torero says 90% practice, 10% theory, so that's 10% I can invest in right away, and keep the practice going.
Overall, I found I could comfortably and consistently overcome my fear of making the interaction happen, whether the approach is a tap on the shoulder or a catch-up frontal stop. However, the holes in my game today were further along in the interaction, like making fun conversation, stacking with assumptions, speaking slowly, and displaying confidence. So that is what I will focus on next time. Until then.
Today was my first time day gaming with E (his real name is a little longer, of course) in a long while. Unlike previous times hustling on the street, this day was different. I really put myself into the humble mindset of a beginning student, who follows his teacher's instructions without question. In the past, I would sometimes make up excuses to not approach women because I "wouldn't feel like it" or it being "too awkward", but today I used good old fashioned humility to get rid of all that. E pointed out a set, and I approached. No ifs, ands, or buts.
E, being a friend from work who got into pickup almost 2 years ago, has been someone who pushed me to do things I never have imagined were possible. Stopping a girl by running up to her from the side and cutting off her path? Blood-curdling frightening... until I did it. Tapping a girl on her shoulder in a crowded space to get her attention? Yikes. All of these approaches used to give me incredible anxiety, but thanks to my exercises with E, they are not only possible, but also fun. Since I just got out of a roller-coaster of a long-term relationship which was going absolutely nowhere, these cold approaches and game were exactly what I needed.
When we met on the street today, his first exercise for me was mental prep work. "Why are you the best choice that a woman can make?" He encouraged me to not be modest and really go for it. As someone who is really hard on myself, verbalizing my positive qualities in this way helped set myself up as someone who has value to provide, rather than a weird person on the street who makes others uncomfortable.
My first open was a hit-and-run, stopping a blonde lady with a compliment before she walked away. So-so... she wasn't very engaged. I noticed I spoke pretty quickly, so E instructed my second open to be "silent", starting out with "Hey, I know this sounds strange, but..." and convey emotion and uncertainty but not saying anything until the girl walks away. As uncomfortable as this was, I complied and did it. The woman I opened stood there for 10 seconds before asking if I'm miming, and then going off about her business. It felt good to be able to conquer my fear of being judged on that one. E pointed out a specific mechanic of the approach—how I should never cross her path when stopping her, because that has roots in predatory behavior from our animal past—to help me get that one down.
Continuing along, my first real open was with a girl who had a cast over one of her feet, and that was a natural way to vibe with her. "I noticed you're limping; what happened?" I asked, after complimenting her. She said that she's with her boyfriend, who appeared from the side. I simply said "hope he takes care of your foot", and walked off. Success! One of my fears is that the girl I'm opening has a boyfriend who I didn't notice, but I saw that it wasn't a problem. The second set was a girl in a hurry, on her phone and walking quickly down to the BART station. I stopped her just before she went past the turnstiles, and she put down her phone to talk to me, seeming to be open. I could have pushed for a number close, but didn't, and instead stacked by telling her she seems in a hurry. She said "Merry Christmas", and gave me a hug. That was a pleasant surprise!
Reflecting on this now, I realize during the session there were women who kept walking or otherwise didn't react to my initiation, but I actually do not remember those exchanges as well. On the plus side, it's the positive interactions which really stand out and overshadow the not-so-successful ones. But of course, it would be good to recount what exactly I did wrong so I can correct it in the future. One such instance was where I attempted to do an intercepting forward approach to a girl who was walking in a crowd where there wasn't enough space for me to stop her, and she kept on walking. That's when E pointed out the tap-on-the-shoulder approach from behind, and I employed it in future sets to great effect.
We opened quite a bit of two-sets with a trick to ask them to take a picture of us, the first two of whom were open to us, but found a problem keeping the conversation interesting. We'd ask if they are local or visiting, where they are from, and take it from there. We didn't push it for any number closes or hangouts, but we made them laugh multiple times. E pitched had the brilliant idea of inviting them on an "instadate" by joining us to the Cityscape Lounge where it's possible to get a 360° view of San Francisco.
One memorable interaction happened in Starbucks. We weren't even there to game, but rather to get E to the restroom, and we ended up at the end of a long line, with three girls at the end. We struck up a conversation, and I noticed that one of them was making lots of eye contact with me. After some playful banter about the bathroom line versus the Starbucks line, we said we'll look for another bathroom in the nearby hotel, and wished them luck in their wait. After locating the hotel restroom which had no line, I left E to go back to those girls and tell them about the alternative option. And my surprise, I saw two of them walking in my direction, so I told them the other bathroom was that way, introducing myself and getting their names shortly thereafter. Walking toward the other end of the hotel, I noticed a guy who they seemed to know start talking to them—probably a boyfriend—so I kept on walking to the restroom. On my way out, I saw that guy sitting on a hotel lobby couch with the girl who was making eye contact with me earlier, his arm around her, giving me the stink eye. I smiled back as I looked at him briefly, on my way out of the hotel with E. Yes! Another positive experience chatting up a girl who is in a relationship.
This time around, I was intent on going for a number close. This would be a monumental step in my pickup experience, for I have been too timid to push my interactions that far. After walking around Walgreens briefly, I stopped a girl who was visiting from Paris, and seeing how open she was to me, I asked her if she is down to hang out sometime. On receiving a yes, I got her number. Woohoo! First ever number close. That was quite something. It's been well over a year and a half since my first time doing day game with E, and though in all honesty we've only gotten together a total of three times in that period of time...
I was getting pretty good at coming up with ways to make the girls laugh and keep the conversation interesting through a combination of questions and observations. At least two girls I stopped had bright red jackets on, and I pointed out that they made an interesting choice by not wearing a red Santa hat and a gray jacket, but rather the other way around.
The final set we opened turned out to be a two-set—a girl and her mother—both visiting from China. E and I were unsure whether the girl walking together with the person who turned out to be her mother or not, but I went for a tap on her shoulder anyway. I complimented her on her bright red scarf, while her mother probably did not understand any English. The girl seemed into me (and E pointed this out later), but her mom was standing back with her arms crossed. We got them to take a picture of us, and were striking good conversation. It turned out that they were heading to the same hotel where the Cityscape Lounge is located, so E decided to engage the mom by saying that we need her permission to go there with them. Perhaps, in retrospect, it would have been better to simply say we're going there and see if they want to join us, but we didn't do that and instead just said goodbye, Happy Holidays, and parted ways.
What a day... A tremendous number of positive interactions, my first number close, and first time overcoming my fear of the spotlight effect in a pickup setting. The spotlight effect happens when I am doing something socially unconventional—like starting a conversation with a stranger on the street—feeling like everyone is looking at me, illuminated by a metaphorical spotlight of the crowd, not wanting to make a fool of myself. This is where a reality check really came in handy: how important do I think I am? Do I really expect others to just stop and give me their attention? Of course not! They have their own stuff to do and places to go, and I'm just a random person on the street who they'll probably never see again. Boom, problem solved. This "spotlight effect" is nothing more than an inflated self-importance. Humility saves the day again.
What you're reading right now is my first-ever reflection on pickup experiences. E encouraged me to write it as a means of reflecting on the positive aspects of the session, and as a personal diary from which I can learn more.